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I Know
jackiestolz
summary: Ian tells Anthony how he really feels about him . . . at his wedding.
warnings: mild language
rated: pg-13


This was the darkest moment he’d ever known. All the other shit in his life, it felt like fucking nothing just then.

“Say it again.” He heard Anthony whisper. He never wanted to speak again, but he knew he had to.

“I’m in love with you.” Ian said back, staring at the floor. Tears were pooling in his eyes now, and he could feel a grimace form as he tried to hold back a sob. He was fucking miserable. Telling someone you love them shouldn’t be like this. It was supposed to be happy, it was supposed to be mutual, it wasn’t supposed to cause self-loathing beyond anything he thought possible.

“Ian.” Anthony said, and hot tears hit his face, because that sound, that low anger in his voice, it felt like an attack, like a sharp knife to the throat, and Christ, he knew he was about to lose everything.

“How could you do this to me?” Anthony asked, broken, betrayed. “Shit, Ian, do you see where we are right now?”

He couldn’t look up. He only nodded, kept staring at his dress shoes. Everything felt fucking awful, he felt physically ill. His head ached, his mouth itched, his face was hot, and fuck, he wanted to vomit, or faint, because that seemed to be the best option to escape the torture he’d thrown himself into.

“Say something.” Anthony asked, and Ian could tell he was crying, but there was no mistaking the abhorrence in his tone. “Fucking talk to me!”

“About what Anthony, Jesus.” Ian said, then wiped his face and looked up to him for the first time. His cheeks were bright red and tear-streaked, his face tense and hopeless, and he looked so damn handsome in his tux, getting ready to marry the girl of his dreams, and Ian felt so goddamn stupid.

“How long?” Anthony said, wiping his own face, and Ian turned away, staring at the wall with incredible focus.

“Always.” He answered, and his voice cracked, and he let out a half sob. He clapped his hand against his mouth as more tears fell, and he could feel himself shaking. Anthony was silent for a long moment.

“Why now?” He questioned, his voice quiet, maybe confused. Ian looked at him again, knowing how fucking pathetic he was with all his sobbing, his red face, his tired eyes as he sat up late into the night, wondering at all the possibilities. He just shrugged, then barked a harsh laugh, then felt his shoulders shake as he dissolved into tears once more.

“You realize that’s not going to happen, right?” Anthony said in a flat tone, but maybe a little questioning, maybe wondering if Ian actually expected for everything to be peachy keen. And okay, he had been expecting the worst, he had been preparing for this, but was it so wrong to be hopeful that this whole thing wouldn’t end in the flaming shit pile that it was clearly turning into?

“I know.” Ian whispered. He wiped his face and tried to hide his grimace, but his lip quivered and he knew he looked pathetic.

“Then why tell me?” Anthony yelled, completely losing his patience. “Why would you do this to us?”

“I’m sorry.” Ian said, and he’d never been sincere in his life with how goddamn apologetic he was. He had ruined everything with this idiotic nonsense. “I had to tell you.”

They stood in silence for a moment. Anthony would’ve looked so handsome in his suit, if not for the tears filling his eyes and his bright red cheeks and the hair sticking to his face with sweat and the absolute pain he emanated, the absolute stress and pressure his friend had put him under. And Ian in his own navy suit, he looked damned awful, all shaking hands and quivering lips and dark circles under his beautiful eyes, and he matched Anthony’s red cheeks and sweat and bad hair. They just stared at each other, real silent, thinking things over, taking their deep breaths with their tense thoughts.

“I couldn’t keep it from you any more.” Ian said after all that time passed, and he still looked like shit but at least he had some semblance of control.

“I hate this.” Anthony sighed. “I just want things to be normal. I wish this never happened.”

“Can we just forget it?” Ian asked, hopeful, but Anthony hitched his breath and became teary-eyed yet again, so as that hope was quickly dashed.

“You have to leave.” Anthony said with a shaky voice. They were quiet again.

“I know.” Ian nodded.

“For good.” Quietly, that one was, but Ian heard it loud and deep within him.

“I know.” He repeated, and looked Anthony in the eye for a second or two, and then walked past him and to the door. He opened it and stopped for a moment, hearing the bustling hall outside compared to the heavy silence in them, but he could think of nothing more to say, so he did not look back, and he left the room and closed the door, and that was all there ever would be for them.

A/N1: Thank you very much for reading! Any con-crit would be much appreciated!
A/N2: I didn't post this in the Ianthony-Love comm because it's not Ianthony, but you can check my lj to read Chivalry, a story about Ian and the gang staging a rebellion against an evil queen. And did I mention I'm on tumblr?
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Anthony.
No.
You don't mean that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT TO IAN, WHAT?!
Oh God, this feels so real to me and I feel so bad for Ian as if it's actually happening and I just want to hug him so bad. :'(
Your writing though, no con crit, sorry. <3

Aww thank you so much! Yeah Anthony would never do that irl he's too sweet but in this fic i have characters to maim :)

Aww man, that was harsh! >< Poor Ian! :'3

haha yeah the poor dear. i love making it super harsh though like yaas crush those hopes and dreams :))

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